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There's melanoma and breast cancer in my family.
I have the monopoly on all the cancer jokes.
The production company,
they introduced me to the genetic testing kit,
which is a fancy word for a tube.
And you just have to spit into it a whole bunch.
And I'm not a spitter.
I could not conjure up enough spit for this stupid tube.
It's more spit than I could spit in half an hour.
And you have to complete it in 15 minutes.
After you send in your spit sample, it takes a few weeks to process it.
I don't know what they do.
And then take it to Jeremy Kyle, and then they e-mail you.
So I have an average risk of Crohn's disease.
-Got ya. -Thanks.
-What's the...? -An average risk of diabetes.
One percent chance of Type 1.
So estimate...
Lower than average of venous thromboembolism.
Thromboembolism.
Like, what can they tell me in the genetic testing
that's going to be worst than the day someone said, "You have cancer"?
Not "You could have cancer."
Not "You have the genome for cancer."
Like, "You have cancer in your body, and we've cut half of it out."
Oh, I have a really elevated risk of prostate cancer.
Wow! This is pretty accurate, this test.
No, but maybe it might mean other things.
See, that's the thing with this. It just means, like...
...not a lot to us.
You know, I spoke to a scientist who was upset.
He was like, "You know, it takes a lot of balls to do this,
because I found out that I have--
I might have sight problems some day."
I'm like, "You wear glasses."
It might simply be...
If I see that I have the gene for Alzheimer's,
well, then, I'll just do things.
It'll be great news. It won't be bad news.
It'd be awesome because I'll just play Sudoku.
Which, of course, is a cure for Alzheimer's disease.
What's macular degeneration?
Macular.
It's the most common cause of irreversible vision loss.
Oh, it's just seeing.
You'd have to get, like, Greg or someone to look at it
because it's like...
...weird numbers that don't mean anything.
I'm going to meet with some scientist
and see exactly what those results mean to make sure I understand them.
-Hey! -Hey, how are you?
Good. How are you doing?
-Some things are new. -Yeah, so I've heard.
New and exciting.
I just did that DNA testing, genetic stuff.
And the insult to injury, if you will, Wade and I are having a baby.
Okay, so it's slightly more important than maybe it was before.
Everybody looks at my tummy when I say that.
Yeah, I was gonna say, "Yeah, I can tell."
-"Hey, your boobs are bigger." -Yeah, I can tell.
How do they even come up with these...?
How did they come up with the tests?
Yeah! The DNA test, and...
Well, you know what DNA is, right?
Sort of.
It's like an instruction book that tells you how to make you.
Pretty much.
-I can make me? -Yeah.
You can kind of clone yourself. No, you can't.
I want to clone myself.
I want, like, parts of me to be in the baby, and not parts of Wade.
And, like, I could just take--
If I could just pick and choose, like Mr. Potato Head,
and make a little, like...
That would be a whole new kettle of fish.
You and I have 23 chromosomes each.
Although, hopefully, you have XX, and I have XY,
which makes me a man.
-Makes me a man. -Makes me a man!
You say that, but the thing's like piddly and tiny compared to the X's.
So, really, I'm just a malformed woman.
What those guys did, that you sent your test off to,
they'll look at particular places on your DNA, on particular genes,
because scientists have worked out
that on particular parts of the chromosomes,
on particular bits of genes,
when something's a particular way,
then that can make you have a certain biological trait.
Your test would have been, looking at those particular places
on the genes that scientists have worked out,
have a link to certain traits.
Like eye colour, obesity, all those sorts of things.
Why do they give you those ones first?
They're like, "Here's the tricky one that we'll never know: eye colour."
-Eye colour. -Yeah.
Did they also ask you to send in a photo?
Because I find that it probably made their life a hell of a lot easier.
I know!
Well, I don't know everything about the results yet.
I have to go see a science woman, a scientist.
Yeah, that's been, really, the scariest revelation.
What? Finding out you're a ginger?
I'm a ginger!